Posts Tagged With: arguments

Friday’s Food for Thought: Real meaning of MPH…

Ok guys, it’s Friday’s Food for Thought time!

Are you excited?

Yes?

Good!.

(If the answer was no, I ignored you…)

Anyway, I saw this video on Facebook, posted by a couple-based blog I liked a few months back to try to win some sort of giveaway.

The background of the story is that the couple is traveling a long way in a car with no radio after staying up all night studying for finals. Clearly, the girl’s poor brain is fried.

They are a young married couple, both college students, and I think their story is really cute.

Here’s the video.

Why do I like this video so much?

Because I relate to it.

We all relate to it.

We all have moments when we just DO NOT and CAN NOT understand a concept our spouse is trying to explain to us. (It doesn’t have to be a spouse, it could be a friend or family, but often times, the emotional stakes are higher when it’s a spouse.)

It happens all the time with Wyatt and I. He’s very analytical. That’s what he does for a living. He’s a business analyst. Seriously. He’s good at math and numbers and formulas.

I’m good at writing and words and reading comprehension.

It’s not that we can’t understand other concepts, it just takes more effort.

(We also understand the kind of conversation that happens when you drive more than an hour in a car with no radio…since Hubs had his radio stolen  months ago.)

The problem with this video is that it went viral. The husband never meant for it to go viral. He posted it online to show their friends and family.

It just so happened that a few months after he posted it, it went crazy, as things on the internet can do.

I don’t think he mean any disrespect for her. I think they’re a young couple that have a friendship-based relationship. We tease our friends, they tease us. It’s part of the things that make up a friendship, right?

And they seem to still be happily married… and they’ve made some money off of the deal, right?

Check out the news story here:

http://cdnapi.kaltura.com/index.php/kwidget/wid/1_8uaucsj2/uiconf_id/5590821

or here.

And it’s always positive when a couple is able to get past an argument by realizing marriage is so much more than emotions.

“I realized our marriage is deeper than that…” she says.

So true.

So, let’s hear it. Do you think he’s a bad guy for posting this? Do we believe they are just having fun and teasing? What about in your relationship, has something like this ever happened to you?

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Categories: Friday's Food for Thought | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Clutter, clutter everywhere… a housewife confession

Ok, so it’s no episode of hoarders over here, but it is pretty messy.

The dining room table is covered with clutter.

The coffee table is covered with clutter.

The love seat has clutter, the floor has clutter, the bathroom counter and bedroom floor have clutter.

It’s enough to make me real grumpy and a lot overwhelmed.

I really dislike having all this stuff sitting around making the house look messy. It makes my mind feel messy.

But when I get home from work and have other work to do, the stuff around here kind of piles up.

True, we work on it when we can, and when we feel like it, and we almost always have the kitchen nicely clean, but I can’t help but feel like I can’t really focus on the tasks I have to do when I’m thinking about how messy the house is. I hate having to clean up before I have space to start a project.

Maybe this is something I’ll get used to as we get more settled into marriage. I’m sure we’ll get grooves and rhythms and patterns of how we use our home and how we manage the everyday messes that occur. I certainly managed to function all through high school and college at my parents’ house when the floor in my room would get completely covered with clothes, books, and who knows what all else.

It’s not that I’m naturally one of those people that cleans all the time or has to put things away as soon as I use them.

I’m not like that at all. My mom will certainly vouch for that!

I’m in a hurry. I’m busy. I have things to do and people to see. I have jobs 1, 2, and 3 to balance.

But I also really hate to be surrounded by clutter. That’s why I keep my bookshelves as free from knick-knacks as possible and hesitate to set things on my counters. I like things neat.

I feel more at peace when I’m surrounded by a space that’s organized…

…even though I seldom take the time to organize as I go…

so I end up with a big pile of organizing to do all at once.

And then I get huffy and salty.

And Hubs gets annoyed that I’m huffy for no real reason.

After all, the house was messy yesterday, why am I suddenly freaking out over it?

It’s an endless cycle.

I have a feeling this is something that won’t go away unless we work on it. Life won’t slow down enough for us to always have a perfect house, and that’s fine. It’s perfectly fine. I don’t need a clean house all the time. I want our home to look loved and used and lived in. I just don’t want to have to move a giant pile of mail and half-folded-laundry every time I want to use the table for something.

Ideas?

Solutions?

I had an idea last night that Hubs and I should try to focus on cleaning at least one little area of the house each night before we go to bed. The table, the coffee table, the bathroom counter, the sides of the bed where we both end up with a pile of worn laundry….you get the idea.

That way, we’ll go to bed feeling like we accomplished something specific and tangible, and things won’t get so overwhelming for me to freak out over and get huffy and stomp around cleaning while Hubs sits on the couch looking at me with a confused look on my face.

See what I mean?

What about you? What keeps your house from getting clutter-crazy? How do you handle it when it feels overwhelmingly messy? Is this something that affects your marriage at all? Does it cause fights? I’d love some tips and tricks!

 

Categories: Everyday Life | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 16 Comments

What Hubs thinks…

Tonight I asked Hubs what was an issue in our marriage. I wasn’t trying to start a fight, I just needed something to blog about tonight.

Here’s the things he listed, in order of how they occur throughout the day.

1. “You waking me up before my alarm.”

2. “There’s hair on the bathroom floor. It’s everywhere, seriously.”

3. “You always put my coat away. I just want it left out!”

4. “The sheets are always messed up before bed.”

5. “You always want to stay up and talk when it’s bedtime.”

Ok, those are all fair complaints, but since we’re trying to learn and figure out all this marriage stuff, we didn’t just leave it at that. We both had to talk it out, at least a little bit.

Here’s my side of the matter:

1. When I took this internship and set my hours, he suggested I go to work at 7:30 to avoid bad traffic. I know he did this because he loves me and wants me to get to work safely without me having to freak out on the way there every day. He offered to get up and cook me breakfast. I declined because I know he was just trying to be nice and that he didn’t really want to get up that early. He would have, but he didn’t really want to. I am sorry that he has to wake up with my alarm, but there’s not much I can do about it. And the reason I go and wake him up a few minutes before his alarm goes off? I know he’s already hit snooze twice and that it’s time for him to get up. Plus, I’m tired of being up by myself and want him to get up and say goodbye to me. I understand why he doesn’t get up before then since I’m in the bathroom, but still, it’s a part of our morning routine that I don’t see changing too much in the future.

2. The hair is a problem. I understand it’s icky and awful. But because it’s icky and awful, I don’t like to clean it. I do clean it, just not every day, because that would be crazy and take way way way too much time. I’m sorry, but unless a chop it all off, it’s a part of living with a girl he’ll have to get used to.

3. I put the coat away because we have a coat closet. We’ll figure out a system eventually…maybe.

4. Let’s go back to number 1. Who’s the last one out of bed? He is. I understand that a freshly made bed is better, but we’ll have to work out a plan for whose responsibility that is. That will be a discussion for another day. He says I don’t always get up first. It’s true that I don’t, but I usually do, so I don’t see how that helps that much…

5. I want to stay up and talk because it’s a time of the day I’ve looked forward to spending with him for the past six years. It’s important and special and my favorite time of the day. In my opinion, he doesn’t mind as much as he says he does. I know he’s sleepy. I’m sleepy too, but to me, it’s worth it.

And where the conversation ended?

If these are the biggest issues in our marriage, I’d say we’re doing pretty well so far. It’s a learning experience, sure, hence the ease at which he came up with this list and how quickly I formulated my responses. The big picture is that we know these are little things and we treat them as such.

Do we need to discuss some of these things more? Probably. We should think about making the bed more regularly, and vacuuming the hair off the bathroom floor.

And I’ll eventually learn that I don’t have to talk to Hubs at the end of the night for fifteen to thirty minutes in order to savor the moment and the fact that we’ve made it this far together in life and love. It’s been a long time since I wasn’t even allowed to go on “car dates!”

Categories: Love Stuff | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Three firsts, two lessons, and one run-on sentence.

In our first year of marriage, we’re having all sorts of “firsts.” Our first vacation together, our first Thanksgiving, our first Christmas, our first bottle of champagne…you get the idea.

So, tonight, we celebrated another, or rather several:

1. Our first taxes!

We’ve been prepping and getting ready, collecting W-2’s like crazy. (We had 6 this year! Good grief!)

And after our appointment tonight at H&R Block, we’re now filed and ready to go.

I’m quite proud of us for having all our stuff together, going through records (having records!), and getting this done early. And we’ll get a pretty nice refund so we’re already planning what to do with that. Obviously, we’ll save what we can, but I want to put some aside to spend on our trip this summer.

Because, yes, we’re taking a trip this summer!

I also learned a lot. Lesson 1: Ask questions. It’s harder to learn if people don’t know what you want to know and what you’re trying to figure out.

Eventually, we want to do our own taxes, but this first year, we wanted to have someone teach us what to do, what to look for, how to double check everything, what to save throughout the year…you know. All that big stuff for big people. Or rather grown up people. Big people don’t necessarily have to be grown ups, I guess.

2. The first time Hubs has stopped and taken the resolution side of the argument before me.

I was being grumpy for some stupid reason. Hubs called me on it. I calmed down. A few minutes later, he offered some advice for me to follow during our tax meeting. I took offense, because I hadn’t really resolved my earlier grumpiness, and I said something snappy that I shouldn’t have. It was out of line. And he reacted strongly at first. But when I called him on his reaction, he stepped back from the conversation and went above our petty argument to reflect on how we could resolve this, move on, and avoid it in the future. He actually resolved the whole thing on his own while I sat there trying to figure out what was happening. I was proud of him, proud of us.

3. The first time I “rescued” Hubs.

He locked his keys in his car at work and caught a ride to a store kind of close to our house (not that close) and I went to pick him up. Of course, I was in the shower when he called (the first five times) and I didn’t answer until the sixth call so he was a bit angry and annoyed when he was telling me the story and where he was and how I needed to come get him how I needed this to be a lesson that I take my phone into the bathroom with me when I take a shower (lesson learned!) and I was rushing around to get dressed and get out the door and when I made it there, I was also angry and annoyed because I’d hit every red light on the way except three. Seriously. And yes, that was a serious run-on sentence, but you guys don’t mind, right?

I thought so. Thanks.

Anyway, those our our three new firsts.

What about you? What firsts are the most fun? How long into a relationship are there firsts? Do they ever stop seeming special?

Categories: Adventures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments

When to NOT apologize.

Tonight when Wyatt got done with work, he immediately set himself on the couch and started playing. (Yay video games…but I know, I know, it’s still so new that he wants to play all the time.) I wasn’t mad. Honest to goodness, I was NOT mad. Not even a little bit annoyed. But when I looked over to see him in the middle of a game and I said, “dinner’s almost ready,” and he replied with “I just started a game, so I’ll be ready in less than ten minutes,” I was immediately fuming.

To me, it looked like he could have stopped right then. To him, he had already hit whatever button starts the live play and was waiting for the game to begin any second.

I huffed back, “In ten minutes, I’ll have to reheat everything!”

“And he said, “whoa, there….”

And then I was mad.

And I stayed pretty mad through the next ten minutes of trying to keep everything hot and get the plates ready. I nursed my hurt feelings while we ate, and when he insisted on doing the dishes (which, hello! was the right thing for him to do so I should have just accepted), I was angry that he was trying to “make it up to me.”

But I apologized.

Not because I felt sorry.

Not because I was ready to move on.

Truth is, I’m not really sure why I did it. I guess I was hoping he’d say, “No, I’m sorry, honey, you were right, I should have quit my game right then and come to dinner, and what can I do to make it up to you, you know, after I do the dishes and vacuum the floor and dust and…

Ok, I’m kidding.

But seriously.

It doesn’t matter what we’re fighting about, or for how long, it seems that no matter what, I apologize first.

Is this bad?

I don’t think so. Someone has to, and it might as well be me. As long as Hubs is willing to have the “I’m sorry conversation,” I think it doesn’t matter which one of us “caves” first.

That being said, I don’t always enjoy being this person when I’m still feeling angry. And you know what? I think that’s my fault.

The whole purpose of the apology should be to move past the argument, not work through it. I’m doing it all wrong.

When should you say sorry? It isn’t to spur the other person on to apologizing so I can feel justified in my anger. It isn’t to inspire guilt in my Hubs so he feels bad about whatever made me angry in the first place. It’s to express to him that I am ready to make up and move on, that the argument is resolved, and my heart is ready to be at peace with whatever situation we’re dealing with.

So, how do I work on this?

I pride myself, and I’m proud of Wyatt, that we do our best to fight fair. We don’t bring up past hurts (if we’ve truly forgiven, those past hurts should be just that, in the past), we don’t take personal hits or attacks, we try our best to stay on topic, and we listen to what the other is saying, staying as calm as possible in our replies.

But if I’m honest, this practice of preliminary “sorry’s” isn’t fair to him. Or me. And especially not to US.

Marriage is about being honest and dealing with things head on. There’s no room for this kind of trick. No good can come from pretending to be sorry before I am. It’s just going to make me more likely to pick a rebound argument a few minutes later, like I did tonight. And then we’re right back to where we started.

And even worse, Wyatt’s more confused than ever.

When I say I’m sorry, I should mean it. I shouldn’t be secretly still harboring the same hurt feelings.

I think something more productive would be to say, “Honey, I want to talk about this. I think my feelings were hurt because……what do you think about it?”

As I write this, I’m struck by how surreal and cheesy it sounds.

But you know what? I don’t care. It’s WAY better than the alternative, staying mad. Or worse, hurting my husband and myself. Plus, of course it sounds cheesy. Our culture has learned to accept, appreciate, and even thrive on unhealthy, loud, dramatic arguments. (That’s why reality TV shows are the way they are, and why they’re so popular.) But I don’t live in a reality TV show. And thank goodness, because most of those families end up falling apart. And how could they not? Have you seen the way they fight?

The truth is, in marriage, there’s going to be arguments. There’s going to be hurt feelings and anger. They aren’t the problem. The problem is when we don’t know how to react. And are Hubs and I perfect at this? Obviously not, did you just read the above post? But we’re trying.

Now I have another whole topic to focus on when we’re in a conflict. (It’s so much easier to just be happy!)

What about you? What are your tips for fighting fair? Have you done this and realized you really weren’t sorry yet? How do you move on from there?

Categories: Lessons | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 12 Comments

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