A birthday weekend…

First of all, Hubs turned 24 this weekend on Saturday. (Happy birthday, hubs!) He doesn’t love to celebrate his birthday as much as I love to celebrate mine…but we did the best we could. Here’s how it went down and what I learned this weekend.

1. Friday night we went to a friend’s house and just chilled with some trivia, some Boulevard Wheat, and some conversation. Before this we went to Wendy’s for dinner. (I know, I know…we were going to go to an actual restaurant but the wait was for more than 30 minutes for the two of us…and it wasn’t even that nice of a restaurant!)

2. Saturday morning I got up and made biscuits and gravy for breakfast. Then we chilled on the couch and got ready to head to Warrensburg for lunch. Wyatt requested New China Buffet since we were going to the Burg for a wedding reception that afternoon anyway. The in-laws and brother-in-law met us there, and we all enjoyed a grease-filled, overly filling buffet. (Wyatt enjoyed it the most I think, but we all went along with it. It was his birthday after all.) Then we went to the reception, had a good time, and saw a bunch of friends. Then it was time for dinner out as a group. (This weekend recap revolves around a lot of food…hmmm)

3. Sunday I had to work from 9-3ish. Hubs slept in and had leftover B’s and G’s, then went Christmas shopping for me! (He’s pretty pleased with his shopping so far, which makes me excited, and makes me need to go shopping!) When I got home, I started his birthday dinner, one of his favorites: my blue cheese butter and bacon burgers and fried potatoes.

Looks good, right?

It turned out great and was delicious. Then I gave Hubs his present from me. Spoiler alert, he LOVED it.

Here's Hubs with his new Turtle Beach headphones. (No, the flowers are not growing out of his head...)

Now, here’s the info: they’re the cheap ones. Still name brand, (and according to Hubs, AWESOME), but they are the (I assume) older model and certainly not the crazy $300 ones. But, he likes them, so I’m happy.

I’m also happy because they make it quiet in here when he wants to play video games and I don’t want to watch (which is usually).

So he played for awhile and then we did this:

See that big tree? See that tiny box of ornaments? There's a disconnect going on here...

And then we decided we’d done enough for one night and we ate some cake and headed to bed. I was planning to make some delicious-looking cookies and cream cupcakes for Hubs’s birthday cake, but we got a cake from the in-laws and certainly don’t need 2 cakes at once, so those will wait for some other occasion. I’ll leave you on the edge of your seats waiting to hear how they turn out.

Yes, he's cutting his cake with the biggest knife we own...a cleaver. He loves those knives, and goodness knows I love him.

Here’s what I learned in the process of all this madness.

1. Starting a new job isn’t always fun. Training and scheduling and meeting a bunch of new managers, etc. isn’t always easy…and Friday afternoon at work just wasn’t great. And I was all out of sorts when I got home. Somehow, though, Hubs managed to get me up and out of the house and even though we didn’t end up eating what or where I’d sort of wanted, and even though I didn’t really feel like chilling with the guys that night, it was exactly what I needed. And somehow, I got home that night feeling much better about life and work and all that jazz. Hubs really does know best sometimes.

2. Seeing friends only every couple of weeks (or longer) is a totally different world than when you see them all the time in college. It’s sad and good at the same time. Sad because we have to grow up and get jobs, and move away. But good because those are all good things…it’s just a bummer to be away from those you enjoy. Everyone understands that, I’m sure. I don’t need to get into it more.

3. This morning when I crawled out of bed a little before 8:00 (I stayed in bed after Hubs got up today. I was tired for some reason, and he got to sleep in yesterday and the day before…), I looked around the corner and saw this:

We didn't go to sleep with these lights on...

Reason # 106 that Husband roommates are the best. He knows me, and knows how to make me happy with the most simple of things. He knows how much I love Christmas lights and turned the tree on so I’d see it when I got up. It made me smile, made me feel festive, made me more optimistic about the day, and made me fall even more in love all over again. Isn’t it amazing how one small act (it took him a few seconds to plug in the tree) made a huge difference in my day? That was an excellent way for him to pursue me without even speaking. Actions really do speak louder than words, people. It’s cheesy, but it’s true.

4. Giving gifts is a great way to tell someone you were paying attention to them. I’m so happy he loved the birthday gift so much. I debated buying them because they weren’t the ‘top of the line” (we can’t justify that much on something we don’t NEED) and I didn’t know if they’d be worth the money they did cost. After all, I know pretty much nothing about video games. But, Hubs LOVES them, and his eyes were shining bright when he opened them, shining bright when he hooked them up, and practically glowing when he was trying them out the first time. In fact, his “too-loud-because-he’s-wearing-noise-canceling-headphones” comments of how awesome they were told me he really did think they were the “best gift he’d gotten in a long time.” Historically, he doesn’t always love the gifts I give him because he says he doesn’t NEED anything and he’s kinda picky and hard to shop for. (Ok, I added that last part, but it’s true sometimes!) So, I’m super excited he loved this one. It makes me feel both nervous and extra-excited for him to open the Christmas gifts I still need to buy.

5. As we decorate our apartment, I realize just how symbolic our minimal decor is of our little family. We don’t have a lot, and what we have is often hand-me-down or thrifty finds, and yet, as it comes together, it still makes me happy, still makes me feel warm and cozy inside. Hubs and I are new at this marriage thing. We’re not struggling to get by, but we certainly don’t have a lot, and we’re thankful for all the help we’ve gotten from our families. But we’re our own little family now, making it work together. And actually, we make me smile every day. I’m constantly surprised by how much more I love him. I’m constantly amazed by how awesome it is to be married to my best friend.

We've both had a birthday since we've been married now...Hubs is 24!

When to NOT apologize.

Tonight when Wyatt got done with work, he immediately set himself on the couch and started playing. (Yay video games…but I know, I know, it’s still so new that he wants to play all the time.) I wasn’t mad. Honest to goodness, I was NOT mad. Not even a little bit annoyed. But when I looked over to see him in the middle of a game and I said, “dinner’s almost ready,” and he replied with “I just started a game, so I’ll be ready in less than ten minutes,” I was immediately fuming.

To me, it looked like he could have stopped right then. To him, he had already hit whatever button starts the live play and was waiting for the game to begin any second.

I huffed back, “In ten minutes, I’ll have to reheat everything!”

“And he said, “whoa, there….”

And then I was mad.

And I stayed pretty mad through the next ten minutes of trying to keep everything hot and get the plates ready. I nursed my hurt feelings while we ate, and when he insisted on doing the dishes (which, hello! was the right thing for him to do so I should have just accepted), I was angry that he was trying to “make it up to me.”

But I apologized.

Not because I felt sorry.

Not because I was ready to move on.

Truth is, I’m not really sure why I did it. I guess I was hoping he’d say, “No, I’m sorry, honey, you were right, I should have quit my game right then and come to dinner, and what can I do to make it up to you, you know, after I do the dishes and vacuum the floor and dust and…

Ok, I’m kidding.

But seriously.

It doesn’t matter what we’re fighting about, or for how long, it seems that no matter what, I apologize first.

Is this bad?

I don’t think so. Someone has to, and it might as well be me. As long as Hubs is willing to have the “I’m sorry conversation,” I think it doesn’t matter which one of us “caves” first.

That being said, I don’t always enjoy being this person when I’m still feeling angry. And you know what? I think that’s my fault.

The whole purpose of the apology should be to move past the argument, not work through it. I’m doing it all wrong.

When should you say sorry? It isn’t to spur the other person on to apologizing so I can feel justified in my anger. It isn’t to inspire guilt in my Hubs so he feels bad about whatever made me angry in the first place. It’s to express to him that I am ready to make up and move on, that the argument is resolved, and my heart is ready to be at peace with whatever situation we’re dealing with.

So, how do I work on this?

I pride myself, and I’m proud of Wyatt, that we do our best to fight fair. We don’t bring up past hurts (if we’ve truly forgiven, those past hurts should be just that, in the past), we don’t take personal hits or attacks, we try our best to stay on topic, and we listen to what the other is saying, staying as calm as possible in our replies.

But if I’m honest, this practice of preliminary “sorry’s” isn’t fair to him. Or me. And especially not to US.

Marriage is about being honest and dealing with things head on. There’s no room for this kind of trick. No good can come from pretending to be sorry before I am. It’s just going to make me more likely to pick a rebound argument a few minutes later, like I did tonight. And then we’re right back to where we started.

And even worse, Wyatt’s more confused than ever.

When I say I’m sorry, I should mean it. I shouldn’t be secretly still harboring the same hurt feelings.

I think something more productive would be to say, “Honey, I want to talk about this. I think my feelings were hurt because……what do you think about it?”

As I write this, I’m struck by how surreal and cheesy it sounds.

But you know what? I don’t care. It’s WAY better than the alternative, staying mad. Or worse, hurting my husband and myself. Plus, of course it sounds cheesy. Our culture has learned to accept, appreciate, and even thrive on unhealthy, loud, dramatic arguments. (That’s why reality TV shows are the way they are, and why they’re so popular.) But I don’t live in a reality TV show. And thank goodness, because most of those families end up falling apart. And how could they not? Have you seen the way they fight?

The truth is, in marriage, there’s going to be arguments. There’s going to be hurt feelings and anger. They aren’t the problem. The problem is when we don’t know how to react. And are Hubs and I perfect at this? Obviously not, did you just read the above post? But we’re trying.

Now I have another whole topic to focus on when we’re in a conflict. (It’s so much easier to just be happy!)

What about you? What are your tips for fighting fair? Have you done this and realized you really weren’t sorry yet? How do you move on from there?

My Husband Blessed Me Today

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t love sharing the things I treasure most. For instance, when I order dessert, it’s because I intend to eat it. All of it. I do NOT intend to share it with whoever I happen to be sitting by that didn’t order dessert. (This changed forever on 7/9/11 when I promised to always cheerfully share with Wyatt during our wedding ceremony during the promise ceremony.)

Another example?

Don’t mind if I do.

I dislike sharing the covers. I am a cold person (unless I am exercising, then I sweat a lot…) and when I get in bed, I have a hard time relinquishing the only source of warmth. (Note: I am getting better at this, though it still involves a few moments of Wyatt tugging the covers out from grasp occasionally, and I still cherish those few moments I have in the morning after Wyatt gets up and before I do when I can roll over to Wyatt’s warm side of the bed and make a myself a blanket burrito the way I used to at home.)

Anyway, this week, I have been sharing what I treasure most in this world.

My husband.

I’ve been sharing him with a game I can’t understand or fully appreciate. I was annoyed when I got home at 3:45 from a long day of volunteer work today, sore and tired from the wear and tear I’ve put on my muscles and joints this week. (See my tweets for more on this…) I wasn’t looking forward to a night of sitting on our hard dining room chairs while Wyatt dominated the couch with the loud noises coming out of the TV. But I did 2 loads of laundry, picked up the living room, bedroom, and kitchen (I do this every day, how does it get so messy??), and made dinner. All while my shins and ankles punished me with every step.

(Side note: Wyatt, my resident soccer expert, says my ankles and shins hurt from running around in soccer cleats for two and a half hours last night. I’ve worn my cleats for soccer for the past month or so with no problem. Does anyone have insight in this area?)

Needless to say, I was pretty gloomy when Wyatt came home. I was happy to see him, of course, but just tired. And I wanted some hot chocolate later on and we were out of milk.

At some point I mentioned wishing we had milk.

And you know what?

Wyatt got his shoes and coat back on and went to get it for me.

I didn’t ask him to do it. In fact, I told him not to go. I could go. I didn’t want to make him get out again. Plus, I knew he wanted to play COD.

But he went anyway.

And you know what?

It was a blessing to me. In fact, I was so pleased by his effort that I got the kitchen all cleaned up after dinner and the dishwasher unloaded and reloaded in the time he was gone. I did NOT have the energy to do that before he left.

I also wrote a rough draft for a freelance assignment I’d been struggling to get started on.

And I’m actually pretty comfortable as I sit on the dining room chair with a blanket under my biscuits.

But the most important change that came about from his little trip to the store?

When I look over at him playing, I can’t help but smile. It’s one of those moments when I simply feel overwhelmed with what I feel for him.

He’s playing video games on the couch, yelling at the TV, which, in turn, is making loud shooting noises, and all those other things I dislike, and I’m sitting over here grinning like a school girl.

All because of a gallon of milk.

But isn’t that what it’s all about? He went out of his way to do something kind and generous for me, and as a result, I’m not guilted or forced to “be okay” with a night of video games, I’m actually okay with it. In fact, I’m blessed by it.

A special verse for me has always been John 15:13, “Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends.” And yes, I think Wyatt and I have laid down our lives for each other. We’ve committed to putting each other first, laying down the things in our life that don’t bless and grow our relationship.

And tonight, this verse looked like him laying down the controller, even if only for a few minutes.

Learning to live together in marriage is hard. Before, I wasn’t around when he played video games. He did that on his own time, not time when we were together. Now that all our time is together time, we have to learn to find a balance. It’s so important that he doesn’t stop doing things he enjoys just because I dislike them. (And vice versa, of course.) Will he eventually care less about video games when we have kids to worry about and more stuff to deal with and focus on? Probably. But for now, he’s enjoying himself. He has his headset on, playing with friends he doesn’t get to see nearly as often as we’d like, and they’re having fun just being boys. He’s happy.

And you know what?

I am too. I guess it all goes back to that Happy wife, happy life, thing?

So I’m going to go make my hot chocolate now. I used this recipe last time and it was super yummy, though a bit thick for my taste. I may try this one tonight.

Oh, and I’ll keep listening to this…

Sorry the picture is weird, but you get the idea. I'm wearing headphones since Wyatt says it's "too early!" But I'm happy!

The way we spent last night…

For those of you that don’t know…Call of Duty Modern Warfare Three (COD MW3) came out yesterday.

It’s a big deal, trust me.

Hubs even wrote it on our calendar. Granted, he doesn’t play video games that much. (Thankfully.) But he informed me that would change for awhile when this game came out. I was prepared. As much as I could be.

I mean, do I love that he spent all last night like this?

oh boy...

But I knew when I married him (and WAY before that) that this was part of the package. Ok, that makes him sound like a big gamer nerd, and really he’s not. But love it or hate it, I love him. And loving him means letting him do this when the mood strikes.

And I don’t mean “let” him do this, just to avoid a fight. I mean, trying my best to be supportive of this hobby I don’t share. (The first video game I played was when I was in college and Wyatt tried to start me with Halo2. Bad choice. He finally got so tired of me being lost and falling off the game surface that he told me to just ride along on a tank with him. I even fell off that a couple of times. I just don’t have the muscle memory to make my fingers remember which buttons to push and when.)

Anyway, yesterday I was super nice and did everything I could to earn my “Awesome Wife-Merit Badge.”  I waited in line at the game store to pick up the game so it would be there when he got home from work. I bought Mountain Dew even though I don’t encourage Wyatt to drink soda and it costs more than what I drink…water. I made him a BBQ beef sandwich and chips so he could eat dinner while he played. And most importantly, I put on headphones and parked myself in the dining room where I didn’t bother him all night.

Tonight we are going to play soccer at 8:30, but until then, I’m sure he’ll want to play again. And though I’m trying to be okay with it, I feel a bit of annoyance starting to creep in.

Is all this silly? Probably. Is it temporary? Absolutely. Because Wyatt doesn’t play video games every night. And I’m not going to buy Mountain Dew all the time. But I’ll let him have his fun for now.

After all, he’s agreed to watch every episode of FRIENDS with me, from season 1 to season 10, all in this first year of marriage. (We’re currently on the beginning of season three. We’ve got a long way to go.)

I probably better let him have a few more nights of video games to make up for it, huh?

I’ll go get him a mountain dew…