Posts Tagged With: Fights

Self-soothing – “Breathe”

Hubs and I don’t have kids yet, but when we do, we’re planning to teach them to self-soothe. (After they are old enough for that, obviously. We’re not sure what age that is yet, but we’ll figure that out when we get there.)

Anyway, self-soothing kids isn’t really what I wanted to talk about.

I’m learning to self-soothe myself.

I’ve realized in the past 10 months, (Yup, 10 months married today!) that I get upset more often than I used to. I’m not really upset with Hubs, but he’s usually involved because he’s here and we’re married now, so he’s always involved. I blame the hormone pills, because, let’s face it, those things can cause some trouble in the emotions department. But I also understand that we’re around each other more, we share more, talk more, interact more, and disagree more.

All of those are great reasons for me to be upset more.

Ok, not great reasons to be upset, but rather, realistic causes for me to be upset.

(You understood what I mean, right?)

Anyway, while those are all true, and whether or not is seems like it from reading about all the ways we fight, I’m getting better at forgetting the little things and not overreacting about minor disagreements or troubles. I think the main reason I sometimes find myself overwhelmed and ready to cry is because we have huge decisions facing us right now that we have no idea of how to plan for. And I’m a planner. Planning is my thing. I planned my way into graduating college in three years with a double major and an honors degree. With a 4.0. I’m an excellent planner.

But there’s no way to plan for the sort of decisions we’re making now. Decisions that will affect us for a long time in a lot of different ways… financially, spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally…

Big stuff.

It isn’t like I didn’t know we’d have to decide this stuff, it’s just that I thought it would be easier.

(I know, right? I was young and in love, or young and dumb, your pick…)

And I get overwhelmed when I think about all the things we have no way of knowing or deciding.

And when I get overwhelmed, I can’t sleep.

And when I can’t sleep, Hubs gets upset because I’m keeping him up.

And when Hubs gets upset, he’s not always that great at calming me down and cheering me up.

(That’s something I’ve learned from other great marriage blogs (like this one!): Don’t try to discuss important things when you’re tired. It won’t work!)

So, I’m learning to self-soothe.

I’m hoping this will help him not have to worry about what to say (that I already know) or solve (when there’s no solution) when he’s already too tired to think clearly or communicate effectively and let him focus on simple things that will make me feel better.

Things like pulling me in for a tight hug and rubbing my back or neck, massaging my head, holding my hand and squeezing every few seconds so I know he’s awake and that he cares that I’m upset.

And for my part, I’ll repeat the things he’s said so many times before in my head. I’ll silently pray for peace and the ability to rely on God’s sovereignty in our lives. (Sometimes I pray out loud, too, but that often makes me cry for some reason, so I can’t always get the words out.) And I breathe.

Breathing is what Hubs does best when he needs to calm me down.

It’s a special, sweet way of showing me, with love, that he cares that I’m upset but that I need to calm down. It doesn’t seem like much, but it’s a very big deal to me.

I actually already wrote about this last year on the blog I wrote as a happy journal, so I wanted to share it here with you guys.

Day 304: “Breathe”

12052011

No one, and I mean, no one, knows me the way Wyatt does. I mean, yes, I’m close to my parents and my sister and my closest friends and other family members, but really, it’s not the same. I know that’s how it is supposed to be, I am marrying him after all. I just enjoy when something touches me in a certain way and I realize the awesome way that God blessed us with each other.

Tonight, I was pretty upset about something and I was crying, quite a bit (as odd as that is to admit on this very public forum, but we’re all friends here, right?  So I can if I want to). Anyway, whenever I’m crying, I’m usually trying to stop crying, so I tend to hold my breath in hopes that it will get better and the crying will just…I don’t know…go away?

At this point, I need to describe the kind of crying we’re dealing with. This is the quiet, lots of tears running down my cheeks, but I’m not making a sound, kind of crying. Not sobbing and gasping for air, but also not a single glistening tear down my cheek (as much as my attempts to hold my breath try to make it that kind of crying). It’s a very quiet, very upset, very painful, and honestly, a very unproductive way to cry, but I can’t help it, when I’m upset and don’t want to cry but can’t hold it in, that’s how it comes out.

Well, recently, I guess more than recently, but recently I’ve noticed, Wyatt has gotten into the habit of saying “breathe” whenever he can tell I’m holding my breath when I’m crying or about to cry or some combination of both. It never fails that I suddenly realize, “hey, I haven’t inhaled in a long time.” So I do, and slowly, as he reminds me to breathe in and out, deeply, he calms me down and I stop crying.

As I write this, I think my dad used to do this too, when I was MUCH younger, and it was different. That was when it used to be the sobbing, can’t catch my breath because I’m gasping for air and choking on my sobs kind of crying. You know…crying. Anyway, he used to tell me to breathe too, and it helped then, too, I know, though I can’t really remember. I think he was a bit firmer, probably because he was more trying to ensure I didn’t make myself hurl because I was crying so hard, which isn’t really an issue now.

But this is different. Maybe it’s the way Wyatt says it to me softly, as if he’s holding me (sometimes he actually is holding me, other times, like tonight, it’s on the phone) and he just whispers it in my ear, and then he breathes for me. Not literally by blowing air into my lungs, but he breathes in and out, slowly, loudly, clearly, so I can follow him. And then the two of us are breathing together, just in and out, quietly, (usually, there are still a few louder, quicker breaths from me as I slowly get adjusted back to regular breaths), by allowing my body to melt into his (whether together or apart), the tears just seem to stop.

I hope that wasn’t sharing too much with you all. I guess it was pretty personal, but it was on my heart and on my mind as I sit here in bed waiting for the sleepiness to come. It’s amazing to me how I’m reminded of the little ways in which Wyatt’s love for me is so pure, so honest, so perfect, so…us.

It really is a beautiful picture of Love, capital “L” Love, you know, the kind that we can only know through our Father? The kind of love that reaches down to us when we are so unlovable (with our gasping breaths and puffy, red eyes) and says, “Yes, I love you and don’t want you to hurt. Now, “Breathe.”

“And the Lord God made man from the dust of the earth, breathing into him the breath of life…” Genesis 2:7

Your turn! I’d love to know what you think about this sweet way Hubs blesses me, and I’d love to hear what works for you when you’re upset and need to self-soothe.

Categories: Love Stuff | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 6 Comments

Warrior Weekend

This weekend was a big one. I’d say it was a warrior-worthy mess of a weekend.

For starters, Wyatt and I had a huge fight on Friday night. It was the most angry and upset I’ve been since we’ve been married. I don’t need to go into all the details, but we were able to apologize, and forgive each other. And we moved on.

It’s not easy to let something go that quickly when it seems like such a huge deal, but the fact of the matter is that no matter what, we’re going to stay committed to this marriage and to each other. We know that we both try to do what’s best for both of us and just sometimes screw up. Sometimes we screw up bigger than other times…

But it always will work out the same way. Forgiveness.

Then, Saturday morning, we had the Warrior Dash!

WARRIORS!

This is after we finished. So we were tired, muddy, wet, and happy.

Happy and muddy…look at my poor ring! I probably should have taken it off but didn’t think about it until later, and I was SUPER careful in the mud so as not to lose it. (I kept my hand clenched shut the entire time!)

There was a huge line of people waiting to get hosed off afterwards.

Warrior Wash. They’re so clever.

See the people waiting in line?

Then they just spray you down with super cold water. It’s pretty awesome.

All in all, it was a great time.

Wyatt was super tired though, being that he hasn’t really ran more than a mile since September…but he made it!

Yup, that’s sweat. It was pretty hot, but thankfully we ran in the morning before it got too crazy out there.

I had a great time. It was my first time doing an event with Hubs, so that was super fun. He made me jump over the fire. I made him keep running. We’re a good team.

That shirt was white when I started. (I knew it’d get filthy, it wasn’t a shirt I wear a lot now that I’m out of college and it was already stained…)

But the main challenge this weekend came after the Warrior Dash.

We set out to leave for the Sporting KC game Saturday night and Hubs’ car made a real funny noise, and then wouldn’t shift. It was really, really off.

Uh oh.

And then when we went back, switched to my car so we wouldn’t miss the game, and stopped for gas, the service engine light came on in my car.

Suddenly, we were faced by the possibility of having to spend major money on repairs of both of our vehicles. Or just replace them, being that neither of them are worth a costly repair really, especially Hubs’ 1990 Honda Accord. We love that car, but let’s face it. It’s old. As in 279,000 miles-old.

I was overwhelmed. Hubs was angry and frustrated. We spent Sunday afternoon trying to figure out what was wrong with both of them. It was pretty sad.

Our down-payment fund looked like it was in danger.

But we made it. Because we’re warriors, remember?

First we went to the auto-place to run the code on my car. Turns out, it’s something we can fix ourselves for not a ton of money. An inconvenience, sure, but not unbearable.

But the best part is about the Honda. Hubs is a great problem-solver and he was able to find the issue using basic trial and error and the internet. Then we took it to the dealer’s service center to confirm what we thought was wrong. The part was going to be $600 to fix it! Yikes. The car’s not even worth that!

So he set to work finding a salvage yard and we went there to find the part today. He spent an hour trying to find it, but finally got it. Then we headed home, he got it installed, and guess what?

We’re back in business!

I’m proud of Hubs for his off-the-cuff, learn-as-he-goes mechanic skills. I’m proud of both of us for not freaking out and making a rash decision while we were feeling overwhelmed and angry. We were able to find the best solution and save a lot of money, time, effort, and frustration.

I’d say that’s warrior-worthy of a celebration.

Categories: Adventures | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

“U”nderstanding Each Other

Hubs and I are different.

A lot different.

I am a 50% rational and 50% emotional. Usually the rational part wins over, but when it’s time to be emotional, boy, do I get emotional!

Hubs is 80% rational and 20% emotional.*

This can make it hard to communicate.

Case in point?

Last night, about 11:15pm, laying in bed.

I was feeling overwhelmed about working and job hunting and house cleaning and moving and finding a house and…

Hubs was tired.

He knew it was fine for bed.

I knew it was time for bed, too, but the emotional part of my being won out.

I’ll admit there was some crying when Hubs wasn’t really supportive of my need to be cheered up and calmed down.

He was rational in that he said I already knew everything he would say to cheer me up. I knew that I knew all those things, too, but I was already too emotional to care about that stuff now.

(In my defense, I understand that I was still on antibiotics that make me feel super nauseous and that my body is trying to get better, so I know I wasn’t really myself.)

(In Hubs’ defense, he eventually understood that he was going to have to give in and just work me through my emotional-ness, no matter how much he tried to convince me to be rational.

So we had a bit of a fight and stayed up later than we should have.

And we managed to make up and wake up happy together.

Because we understand each other, even when we’re unhappy.

*Hubs approved all the percentages estimated in this post.

Categories: Lessons | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 7 Comments

What Hubs thinks…

Tonight I asked Hubs what was an issue in our marriage. I wasn’t trying to start a fight, I just needed something to blog about tonight.

Here’s the things he listed, in order of how they occur throughout the day.

1. “You waking me up before my alarm.”

2. “There’s hair on the bathroom floor. It’s everywhere, seriously.”

3. “You always put my coat away. I just want it left out!”

4. “The sheets are always messed up before bed.”

5. “You always want to stay up and talk when it’s bedtime.”

Ok, those are all fair complaints, but since we’re trying to learn and figure out all this marriage stuff, we didn’t just leave it at that. We both had to talk it out, at least a little bit.

Here’s my side of the matter:

1. When I took this internship and set my hours, he suggested I go to work at 7:30 to avoid bad traffic. I know he did this because he loves me and wants me to get to work safely without me having to freak out on the way there every day. He offered to get up and cook me breakfast. I declined because I know he was just trying to be nice and that he didn’t really want to get up that early. He would have, but he didn’t really want to. I am sorry that he has to wake up with my alarm, but there’s not much I can do about it. And the reason I go and wake him up a few minutes before his alarm goes off? I know he’s already hit snooze twice and that it’s time for him to get up. Plus, I’m tired of being up by myself and want him to get up and say goodbye to me. I understand why he doesn’t get up before then since I’m in the bathroom, but still, it’s a part of our morning routine that I don’t see changing too much in the future.

2. The hair is a problem. I understand it’s icky and awful. But because it’s icky and awful, I don’t like to clean it. I do clean it, just not every day, because that would be crazy and take way way way too much time. I’m sorry, but unless a chop it all off, it’s a part of living with a girl he’ll have to get used to.

3. I put the coat away because we have a coat closet. We’ll figure out a system eventually…maybe.

4. Let’s go back to number 1. Who’s the last one out of bed? He is. I understand that a freshly made bed is better, but we’ll have to work out a plan for whose responsibility that is. That will be a discussion for another day. He says I don’t always get up first. It’s true that I don’t, but I usually do, so I don’t see how that helps that much…

5. I want to stay up and talk because it’s a time of the day I’ve looked forward to spending with him for the past six years. It’s important and special and my favorite time of the day. In my opinion, he doesn’t mind as much as he says he does. I know he’s sleepy. I’m sleepy too, but to me, it’s worth it.

And where the conversation ended?

If these are the biggest issues in our marriage, I’d say we’re doing pretty well so far. It’s a learning experience, sure, hence the ease at which he came up with this list and how quickly I formulated my responses. The big picture is that we know these are little things and we treat them as such.

Do we need to discuss some of these things more? Probably. We should think about making the bed more regularly, and vacuuming the hair off the bathroom floor.

And I’ll eventually learn that I don’t have to talk to Hubs at the end of the night for fifteen to thirty minutes in order to savor the moment and the fact that we’ve made it this far together in life and love. It’s been a long time since I wasn’t even allowed to go on “car dates!”

Categories: Love Stuff | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Making Up and Making Peace

Hubs and I had our first “real” fight on Monday night. It started so simply. He made a joke that struck a very personal chord with me. I knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but I got upset anyway and pouted for about an hour.

(insert regret here.)

And then when we went to bed, I tried to apologize for my reaction. He was already too tired and had moved on, so he didn’t reply to my attempt at making up like I wanted him to. In fact, he didn’t say anything. So I laid awake for over an hour stewing, switching back and forth between being mad at him, being hurt, and being torn as to what to do about it. So I did nothing.

Except listen to him sleep. Actually listen to him snore. He snored a LOT, and loud. But I didn’t wake him up because I wasn’t sleeping anyway. And even though I was angry, there was no reason to wake him up. He was already way too out to have an intelligent conversation (judging from the seemingly foreign language he sputtered out at some point…) and I knew he’d be tired in the morning anyway, so I just let him snore, and by the time I was ready and able to fall asleep, he’d rolled over and quieted down.

But the next morning, I was still angry. As he got ready to walk out the door, we said our goodbyes and had a quick kiss, but then I told him he hadn’t said anything to me when I’d tried to apologize. His response? “I know.”

And then I was really hurt and angry all over again.

And he had to leave for work, so I was left sitting there on the couch with all day to think about what had happened and what it meant and what to do to fix it. I was tired of being upset. I wanted to make up and move on.

I sent an email, and he replied, and to him, that was probably all that was needed. I still wasn’t satisfied. I needed some sort of closure.

So I planned my peace offering.

I went to the store and had dinner ready and waiting when Wyatt got home.

Blue cheese and bacon burgers, with fried potatoes. I knew it was a meal he’d really love. He’d been talking about burgers like that for awhile.

How could he stay mad at me with a burger like this? Yum.

And I think it worked, because he complimented me, the meal, and helped do the dishes. For all practical purposes, everything was back to normal.

For him.

Because I still needed that verbal closure.

So I brought it up again. And we talked about it a little bit. And honestly? I’m still not sure anything was said that really made me feel better, but I sensed it was over, and happy or not, I moved on, and we had a nice night. We didn’t do anything super sweet. Actually, he played video games and I worked around the house or read all night. But we were content and it was fine.

So my question now is this. How do you get that verbal closure when the argument seems to just fizzle out like this? Sometimes it comes naturally, but in an argument like this, where there was no yelling, no crying, no major issue, I’m not sure how it really comes by itself. Wyatt and I barely ever fight, and when we do, it’s usually short and to the point. We always try to fight fair, and while we’re good at arguing and maintaining the peace in tough situations, I’m just not sure we know how to really resolve something like this.

What about you? Is there a way to make up easily and “once and for all?” I hate dragging things on for no reason, but I’m not sure how to get that closure when there’s no big culmination to the argument. Have you ever felt this way? What works for you? 

Categories: Love Stuff | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 10 Comments

October 9th…A look back, and forward.

October 9th has always been a special day to us. Seven years ago today, Wyatt asked me to be his girlfriend on a school bus on the way home from a Worlds of Fun trip. I was fifteen.

It seems crazy that I’m now twenty-two and I woke up next to him this morning. (Actually, I woke up, got up, made breakfast, and then went to wake him up. And he said, ” I’m just finishing.” “Finishing what, honey?, I asked” “Making stuff.” “What?” *pause* *sigh* “Nothing.” He’s so funny when he’s sleep talking.)

Wow, isn’t it amazing how life works out?

The story of that day is actually sort of interesting. Because we had a pretty big fight that day that almost ruined the whole trip. And ruined us before we started.

It all happened when we were getting on the Detonator. It was Wyatt, me, and two of our friends. The guy working the ride sat the two girls together and the two guys together. Then he must have realized his mistake and asked me, “Do you want to sit with your boyfriend?”

(Now, at this point, I should say that he was a young guy, probably a few years older than us. And that it was windy, and that Wyatt wasn’t sitting right by me.)

But my response, and I will always stand by this, is that I said, a little forcefully, and annoyed, hoping Wyatt might hear me, but also just venting my frustration that nothing had happened between us yet, “He’s not my boyfriend…Yet!”

But, as if we were in a movie, Wyatt heard, “He’s not my boyfriend,” and completely shut off his ears in anger.

Needless to say, he was pretty cold for the next few hours. No hand holding, no smiling, no walking by me. Nothing. Ouch.

I, of course, had no idea what was wrong. And being a fifteen-year-old girl with a relationship at stake, I was freaking out a little bit. Until I couldn’t stand it any longer and started begging him to tell me what was wrong.

And after asking him several (ok, a lot more than several) times, we snuck off by ourselves to ride the Ferris Wheel and we finally talked.

He told me his side of the story. I told him mine. And I insisted and insisted.

But he STILL (to this day!) doesn’t believe I said the word “yet.”

Good grief.

Anyway, we managed to make up, and the rest of the day went better. And the rest of our lives.

I still can’t believe we made it through all that high school stuff. Then college stuff, the break up, getting back together…

It’s crazy to me that I found the person I was going to marry before I was even old enough to drive. I mean, who does that? Not very many people. Trust me, I know. People told me that all the time. They still look at me in surprise, (or concern?) when I tell them we were high school sweethearts. I know it doesn’t happen for most people.

It’s certainly going to make it hard if we have a daughter who thinks she’s fallen head over heels in love with a boy when she’s just a young teenager. What am I going to tell her? “Honey, just be careful. It isn’t likely you’re going to stay with him forever.”

Cause then she’ll wine and say, “Mooooom, but you did!”

I can feel the headache and forehead wrinkles coming on now.

(Of course, none of that will matter because Wyatt says we’re having all boys.)

Anyway, I don’t care if we’re not “supposed” to care about this day anymore now that we have a “real” anniversary to celebrate in July.

It’s always been special to us, and I think it always will be. Actually, October in general is special, (more on that around the 29th!) so we’re going to celebrate.

So, here’s to looking back and counting our blessings. And here’s to looking forward and dreaming about the future together.

It doesn’t seem like so long ago…

Day number one. Seven years ago.

Categories: Love Stuff | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , | 17 Comments

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